There are days I wish I could just yell as a response.

I should have gone to church today. Even though I was tired, hadn’t slept all night or very well in days, and though I didn’t feel good I should have went. Why? Well it would have been one less thing my brother-in-law would have come down on me with.

I am Mormon, and he’s not really with organized churches and so I haven’t gone to church sense I’ve been living with him and my sister because I didn’t want to hear it. So I used that as an excuse for a very long time.

My Sunday didn’t go well. They were off at the Bar watching football, which is ok. I’m glad that they go out and do things. So I was at home alone for a good part of the day. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my own company. Other than just feeling like I was worthless all day my brother-in-law brought up the subject of how he was upset about me not telling him that I lost my job. I didn’t want to tell him because I was ashamed. Sure he would have been cool with it, because it happens to everyone, but it was a defeat that I didn’t want to admit.

I haven’t told him anything about how I’ve been feeling about it and things that have been going on in my life in the past few days and how much everything has been bothering me. I don’t tell him because he’s never freakin home. Like, ever. He used to come home and stay home more often, but now he goes straight to the bar, comes home to get changed to go running-runs-comes back to shower-and then goes to the bar, and sometimes comes home just to drop off his things and goes to the bar. I haven’t said anything to him on how much that bothers me and to ask him if it was my fault that he’s never home. I figured it wasn’t my place, because I live here for free.

He told me that I have to go back to Wyoming if by January 1^st nothing’s changed. By that he means me not getting out of the house more often, getting a job, getting friends, and not doing what I enjoy which is my own company. Ok, yes I do need to get out more, but the way he just doesn’t give a fuck hurts a great deal. He even said he didn’t give a fuck.

So I’m in a mess right now. Trying not to cry because of my Ulcer and that they would hear me. I mean what the hell do I have to do to please this guy? I know he loves me, and I’m just pissed beyond saying right now. It’s hard, really, really hard.