I have just fought a great battle. What battle? A battle long drawn out between my mother and I. Now, you may be thinking that this battle was like any young woman has with their mother. This is not true. Not even close to the reality that has been my life.
Before you begin to roll your eyes, allow me to explain myself. You see, my mother is very sick. Not cancer. Not flu. Not perverted. I mean she is very gone in the head. She has two highly rare brain conditions, of which I cannot even remember the names of, let alone try at typing the correct medical terms, and a severe brain injury. These things combined cause her to have multiple mini strokes, dystonia anywhere on her body, memory loss, fake memories, bouts of depression, bouts of energy, multiple personalities, and more. She has been this way sense I was very young, and growing up with these disorders made my life, and my family’s life, very Very hard.
Today my parents are divorced at my own doing. Now, again, I am not playing the blame game and saying ‘oh woooo is me, my parents hating each other is my fault’ or ‘my parents divorced only because of me’. No. That is not the truth. It was truly me that pushed my mother to leave my father, it was truly me that caused the horrible vindictive manner in which it was played out, and it was truly and honestly me that made our family fall apart in pieces the way it did. I am not saying that the outcome of becoming divorced is my fault, it would have happened eventually with the road my family was going down. What I am saying is that the manner of which the actions that were made in doing so with that time frame is my fault.
I will not go into detail in how Exactly it is my fault. It is very personal, and I am not willing to post that information for the entire world to see. I have told those that needed to know or that I can trust, and that is where it will stay. The world doesn’t need to know the nasty details. Just know that my mother was, and still is a very sick person. My father was a mean and scary man. Our family was cracking so fast, and in so many places, that it would soon be dust rather than broken chunks of glass if something wasn’t done. I believed that then, and I still believe that now.
Now that I have explained to you the tension let me explain the relationship before I describe the battle. I was manipulated very easily by my mother and therefore gave up my life, my friends, my schooling, and almost my entire health to take care of her. Giving up everything to make sure she was somewhat satisfied, because no one else would do so. I felt that it was my responsibility.
After the divorce my mother blamed me for it, though she denies it most of the time. When she remembers those certain pieces she blames me. Be it via text, phone call, or word of mouth from a sibling who had the misfortune of being on the phone with our mother. I have apologized to my mother for this, and I have accepted the fact that it is my fault. I’m ok with it. I know that dreading it and worrying about it will only make my life a living hell. I am easily living with what I’ve done. It doesn’t bother me.
That was part of the conversation. It was a very long conversation; or rather battle of the wits. Which is about as hopeless as arguing with a child over … well anything. Though the phone call started off innocent, I knew she was really prodding for information. You see. My little sister is pregnant, and will have the baby within two weeks (due date 11-11-11). She just turned 18, got married to the father of the child, and now live together in the back of his parents shop. I did not go to the wedding, I have not seen my sister for several months, I haven’t had the funds nor the time to do so. My mother was wanting information on my little sister changing her phone number; which she did because our mother was preaching gospel to my little sister and saying that the child was needing someone to be ‘her voice’. I understand why my sister is upset. It’s hypocritical. Seeing as my mother smoked, drank, did drugs, and married a man under a false name after she was fully divorced from my father. Adding the medical side, she has no room to comment on anyone or anything’s well being. Bytheway if you’re wondering, the religion is Mormon. She is very… sunk into it? Overly so almost? Well at times that is. Anyway, I digress.
So after I informed her that ‘yes she did change her number’ and that it was essentially because of her we then jumped to the new dog she got after killing off the last one for no reason. She still had another dog that she’s giving away for whatever reason. This new dog is a freakin chuwaua thing and last I knew she hated those. Now she was a puppy, which she also hated to deal with, running around her trailer. I didn’t mention how much it pissed me off that she keeps getting pets that she only takes to get put down in the end because she can’t take care of them. So then we jumped back to my sister, then to my father being unfaithful in the ways of the church in some such way that I don’t even give a rat’s ass about. And neither should she for that matter, their divorced. With this she replied ‘no I’m still his wife’ because of that married for all eternity thing. Again, I digress. I had to explain to her that my father was REMARRIED and that she NO longer had reason to call him for ANYTHING. He owes her no spousal support, and now that my little sister is married/18 he owes her no child support.
We then jumped to how my little sister married a bum fuck who “got fat so fast after they married and does nothing but sit around eating chips all day because he doesn’t work hard enough to get them a decent place to live with something other than concrete floors!” Now I haven’t seen the place in anything other than pictures, but trust me, that baby isn’t in danger, that man isn’t “overly obese”, and compared to what I’ve seen people here in California have its pretty damn good. Even though it is in Wyoming and it get’s fucking cold there… I mean REALLY fucking cold… I admit they should probably get some carpet soon. Now note that she’s bawling as she’s telling me this, then she jumps to how she found her “old self” again and found God again. Trust me, my older siblings tell me she’s not the person she used to be and hasn’t been for a long time. Hell, she’s not the person she was when I was a young child. So she’s totally blowing smoke to get attention.
Did I mention that she’s tried to kill herself twice sense I’ve been alive? The first time she overdosed on oxicottin, cut her wrists and side of her neck. It was 3 years ago and I was the only one there for that one, but another story for another place in time. The next one was when my little sister was still living with her (6-7 months ago?) and she cut herself up like a checker board on her arms and legs, overdosed on something and some other such stuff. I was in college at the time.
I’ve trailed off again. Moving on! Next I forced her back to her claim that the baby was going to essentially die in their care, which was harder than hell. She then jumped to my father being the most evil man in the world because this and that and fake memories. I told her that she was false and that I was the one with the proper memory system and that she was not. She laughed at me. My mother has never Laughed at me. I grabbed my phone, took it off speaker (because her constant sound in my ear was making my head hurt even more[I’m sick at the moment]) and told her that if she ever laughed at me or demeaned me ever again I would never ever talk to her. She was still laughing as she said she wasn’t demeaning me, but I spoke to her in a tone I have Never taken with my mother. I demanded that she listen to me and stop treating me like shit because I was fucking tired of it. I spent years of my life being my mothers and fathers therapists, years taken away from be getting to be a child, years where I had to shoulder the families emotional problems. And I was sick of it.
Then she claimed that I always told her that she treated me like crap and tried to use her infamous guilt manipulation on me. It wasn’t working, nor will it ever work on me again. I told her I have Never done such a thing. I had always stood up for her and her illnesses. Made excuses for her, enabled her, even trained myself to become such a light sleeper that I would be able to hear her slightest moan from rooms and a story away just so I would be able to get my ass up and help her with whatever was wrong. A problem I still live with today when I try to sleep now in a city and every little fucking thing wakes me up.
Now she tried to guilt me again into making me feel bad for what I said. Saying “Alright, you win, I’ve had enough” and “if you never want to talk to me, that’s ok, but I love you”. I kept on going. Saying she wasn’t getting off like this and that I had won nothing. Demanding that she realize that the one time I stand up for myself against her she’s “had enough”. That it was total bull shit.
Jumping to the guilt manipulation with “you need to just listen to me and not say anything”. Understand that I base my life upon honesty. Integrity is my highest value, and it’s what I live by. I told her that Listening does nothing for the person. It gives them temporary happiness, but telling them the honest truth is what a person needs. I know. One cannot live their life upon a foundation of ‘white lies’, ‘partial truth’, and fear. Every time she denied it and tried to convince me of something that was total bull I told her to believe what you want, but she cannot affect the real truth. “This is the truth, I know the truth!” she said, only to have me remind her that her mind is full of holes, and that I am a normal person with amazing memory. Where as she can’t even remember how old I am; she still thinks I’m 17… I’m 20.
This battle was long and hard. I left out a good bit of it due to the fact that it’s not something I wish to share. This phone call was well over two hours; almost three actually. I managed to keep myself from crying while I was angry, a huge feat for me, and I finally stood up to my crazy ass mother. Now while the call somehow ended on a semi-peaceful note it was said that if we are to ever talk again that it would be me calling her. Which I know isn’t true. She’ll call me up when she wants something.
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